Mort Sahl
“My life needs editing.”
The Insurance Game
Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida. One said “I owned a…
W. C. Fields
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank…
Lady Spends All Her Money On Ninja Turtle Merchandise
Flashback to 2011: 26-year-old Michele Ivey wasn’t just a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan—she was…
Ogden Nash
“Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.”
A monk in a shower
A monk was about to take a shower and realized he’d forgotten to bring his…
George Burns
“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.”
H. L. Mencken
“The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
John F. Kennedy
“The pay is good and I can walk to work.”
Truman Capote
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
Lenny Bruce
“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”
A human couple meets an alien couple
They decide it would be fun to swap partners for the night. The alien woman…
Mary Pickford
“Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.”
Joseph Addison
“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”
Clarence Darrow
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning…
Gilbert K. Chesterton
“The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
Josh Billings
“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.”
Elderly Lady Knits Fence
Anne Eunson, a talented knitter from Hamnavoe, is known for her creative and unconventional approach…
Mae West
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
Abraham Lincoln
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
Warren Buffett
“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.”
Bill Vaughan
“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age…
Charles M. Schulz
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in…
Samuel Pepys
“Strange to see how a good dinner and feasting reconciles everybody.”
50 Hilariously Stupid New Years Resolutions
The New Year is here, and with it comes the perfect excuse to set some…
Frances Wright
“Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.”
Erma Bombeck
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
Phyllis McGinley
“Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at…
Jerome K. Jerome
“What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.”