Casey Stengel
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”
Paula Poundstone
“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”
Groucho Marx
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”
Jonathan Swift
“He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.”
Older man driving an old beat up truck
An older man driving an old beat up truck gets into a fender bender with…
Bernard Baruch
“Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.”
William Lyon Phelps
“I divide all readers into two classes: those who read to remember and those who…
Jane Wagner
“The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.”
2 Jewish women
Two Jewish women are walking down the street, and pass a Catholic church with a…
Flannery O’Connor
“I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always…
P. G. Wodehouse
“There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It…
Nora Ephron
“Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
Father of the Bride Forgets the Bride: Wedding Mishap Goes Viral
Dad forgot to wait for the bride! Every wedding has its share of little hiccups.…
Joseph Brodsky
“Who included me among the ranks of the human race?”
Wernher von Braun
“We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.”
George Carlin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
John Archibald Wheeler
“Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
W. C. Fields
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
Joseph Conrad
“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with…
Tallulah Bankhead
“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”
Dave Barry
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take…
Jerry Seinfeld
“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are…
Laurence J. Peter
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard…
Alfred Hitchcock
“Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.”
Ogden Nash
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”
Robert Benchley
“Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.”
Jack Benny
“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.”
Gerald R. Ford
“I am a Ford, not a Lincoln.”
Rod Stewart Drew Penises on Boyband McFly’s Passports — and It Backfired Hilariously
Rock legend Rod Stewart might have one of the most iconic voices in music, but…
Phyllis Diller
“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”