Mitch Hedberg
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Emo Philips
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at…
Hundreds of Inflatable Dinosaurs Just Broke a World Record — and the Internet Can’t Handle It
If you’ve ever wondered what a stampede of cartoon dinosaurs would look like in real…
Johnny Carson
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Thomas Sowell
“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”
W. C. Fields
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
Robert Frost
“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her…
Jules Renard
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
Will Rogers
“I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.”
Groucho Marx
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Amy Sedaris
“My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff…
Joan Rivers
“Never floss with a stranger.”
Milton Friedman
“Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.”
Sam Levenson
“Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.”
Brendan Behan
“If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.”
Spike Milligan
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Dave Barry
“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.”
Edgar Fiedler
“Ask five economists and you’ll get five different answers – six if one went to…
Charles de Gaulle
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
Henry Kissinger
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Daniel J. Boorstin
“I write to discover what I think. After all, the bars aren’t open that early.”
Ray Bradbury
“I don’t try to describe the future. I try to prevent it.”
Don Marquis
“The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.”
Kin Hubbard
“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put…
Steve Martin
“I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.”
Christopher Morley
“A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.”
Baby Holds Mom’s IUD at Birth and the Internet Can’t Stop Laughing
A tiny baby in Brazil has managed to outsmart birth control and the internet loves…
Dan Quayle
“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
Marcel Marceau
“Never get a mime talking. He won’t stop.”
Laurence J. Peter
“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”