Henny Youngman
“When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my…
Thomas A. Edison
“The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.”
George Carlin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes…
Ted Turner
“Sports is like a war without the killing.”
Eddie Izzard
“Never put a sock in a toaster.”
Clint Eastwood
“If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.”
Jay Leno
“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be…
Josh Billings
“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.”
Bob Hope
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for…
P. J. O’Rourke
“Never wear anything that panics the cat.”
Alfred Adler
“The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.”
The Most Played Song of the 1990s on Radio Might Surprise You
A 90s hit that defined radio airplay When people think of 1990s music, they often…
Gilbert K. Chesterton
“The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in…
Emma Goldman
“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.”
Franklin P. Jones
“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”
Mort Sahl
“My life needs editing.”
Jimmy Buffett
“Indecision may or may not be my problem.”
James A. Garfield
“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”
Niels Bohr
“Prediction is very difficult, especially if it’s about the future.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Lily Tomlin
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more…
Emo Philips
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at…
Hundreds of Inflatable Dinosaurs Just Broke a World Record — and the Internet Can’t Handle It
If you’ve ever wondered what a stampede of cartoon dinosaurs would look like in real…
Johnny Carson
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Thomas Sowell
“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”
Jules Renard
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
Amy Sedaris
“My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff…
Joan Rivers
“Never floss with a stranger.”