Fred Allen
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Bob Hope
“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.”
Johnny Carson
“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen…
Laurence J. Peter
“Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.”
Dan Quayle
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
Earl Wilson
“Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”
Wilson Mizner
“If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.”
P. G. Wodehouse
“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.”
E. M. Forster
“I’m a holy man minus the holiness.”
Frederick the Great
“A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.”
David Hockney
“Always live in the ugliest house on the street – then you don’t have to…
Voltaire
“The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.”
Cavett Robert
“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.”
Minna Antrim
“To know one’s self is wisdom, but not to know one’s neighbors is genius.”
Walt Disney
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
Gracie Allen
“When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16…
Erma Bombeck
“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Christopher Morley
“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
Howard Nemerov
“The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told…
Al Unser
“Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.”
Lenny Bruce
“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”
Joey Adams
“A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.”
Red Skelton
“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”
Mitch Hedberg
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Runaway Zebra Causes Chaos in Tennessee Before Dramatic Helicopter Rescue
Tennessee just wrapped up one of the strangest and most delightful manhunts—er, zebra -hunts—in recent…
Bill Hicks
“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”
Unknown
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he…
Richard Armour
“That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once: It said, ‘Goodbye’.”
E. B. White
“Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the…
Jim Bishop
“Nobody understands anyone 18, including those who are 18.”