Steven Wright
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Lily Tomlin
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a…
Yogi Berra
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat…
George Burns
“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.”
Ogden Nash
“Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.”
Bill Vaughan
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff…
Arthur C. Clarke
“The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero…
Hesiod
“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is…
Johnny Carson
“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen…
Henny Youngman
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Pablo Picasso
“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.”
Kin Hubbard
“We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a…
George Carlin
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an…
J. P. Morgan
“A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real…
Tallulah Bankhead
“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”
Edward Abbey
“Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a…
Jean Giraudoux
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.”
Toilet Drinking Contest Leaves the Internet Scratching Its Head
Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction, and this bizarre contest is proof. A plumbing company…
O. Henry
“If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.”
Charles Dudley Warner
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
E. W. Howe
“To be an ideal guest, stay at home.”
Bob Hope
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for…
P. J. O’Rourke
“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle…
Anthony Burgess
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Laurence J. Peter
“Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.”
Bertrand Russell
“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
Diogenes
“What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.”
Calvin Trillin
“As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone…
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
Vince Lombardi
“Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.”