Walt Disney
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
Gracie Allen
“When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16…
Erma Bombeck
“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Christopher Morley
“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
Howard Nemerov
“The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told…
Al Unser
“Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.”
Lenny Bruce
“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”
Joey Adams
“A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.”
Red Skelton
“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”
Mitch Hedberg
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Runaway Zebra Causes Chaos in Tennessee Before Dramatic Helicopter Rescue
Tennessee just wrapped up one of the strangest and most delightful manhunts—er, zebra -hunts—in recent…
Bill Hicks
“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”
Unknown
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he…
Richard Armour
“That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once: It said, ‘Goodbye’.”
Noel Coward
“If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.”
E. B. White
“Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the…
Jim Bishop
“Nobody understands anyone 18, including those who are 18.”
William Makepeace Thackeray
“I never knew whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.”
Bob Hope
“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
Spike Milligan
“I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
Herb Caen
“I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.”
Christopher Fry
“What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.”
Will Rogers
“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”
Bite Mark Tattoos: Romantic or Ridiculous?
Out of all the wild things people are doing for love these days, getting your…
Groucho Marx
“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Macho does not prove mucho.”
H. L. Mencken
“We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.”
Robert A. Heinlein
“Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.”
Mark Twain
“When in doubt tell the truth.”
Marlene Dietrich
“I am at heart a gentleman.”