Bob Hope
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for…
E. W. Howe
“To be an ideal guest, stay at home.”
Charles Dudley Warner
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
O. Henry
“If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.”
P. J. O’Rourke
“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle…
Anthony Burgess
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Laurence J. Peter
“Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.”
Bertrand Russell
“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
Diogenes
“What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.”
Calvin Trillin
“As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone…
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
Mark Twain
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
Vince Lombardi
“Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.”
Bernard Baruch
“Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.”
Will Durant
“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.”
Hunter S. Thompson
“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
Jack Benny
“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.”
Phyllis McGinley
“Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at…
Louis XIV
“It is legal because I wish it.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Joan Crawford
“I, Joan Crawford, I believe in the dollar. Everything I earn, I spend.”
Elizabeth Taylor
“Big girls need big diamonds.”
James Joyce
“Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to…
W. C. Fields
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank…
Orson Welles
“I have an unfortunate personality.”
Charles Kettering
“Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.”
H. L. Mencken
“The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
Will Rogers
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
Abraham Lincoln
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
Groucho Marx
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”