Jerry Seinfeld
“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are…
Robert Benchley
“Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.”
Jack Benny
“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.”
Rod Stewart Drew Penises on Boyband McFly’s Passports — and It Backfired Hilariously
Rock legend Rod Stewart might have one of the most iconic voices in music, but…
Douglas William Jerrold
“The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon.”
I Got Paid to Be Lazy: The App That Pays You for Doing Absolutely Nothing
Let me tell you about the easiest money I’ve ever made. It is the laziest…
Bob Newhart
“This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I’m not about to screw…
Jack Lemmon
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf…
J. K. Rowling
“Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps…
J. P. Morgan
“A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real…
Best Memes From The Coldplay Kiss-Cam Concert Incident
When Coldplay said “look at the stars,” this couple took it way too literally. During a…
Douglas Horton
“When all is lost, ask the I.R.S. – they’ll find something.”
Sam Levenson
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
Imelda Marcos
“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”
Dan Rather
“Never eat spinach just before going on the air.”
Will Durant
“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.”
Mary Roberts Rinehart
“I never saw a lawyer yet who would admit he was making money.”
Herbert Spencer
“A jury is composed of twelve men of average ignorance.”
Watch: Karen Jumps Into Pond to Break Up Ducks During Mating Season
Every so often, the universe tosses us a story so ridiculous it feels like a…
Frederick the Great
“A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.”
Cavett Robert
“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.”
Minna Antrim
“To know one’s self is wisdom, but not to know one’s neighbors is genius.”
Gracie Allen
“When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16…
Howard Nemerov
“The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told…
Al Unser
“Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.”
Joey Adams
“A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.”
Red Skelton
“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”
Mitch Hedberg
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Runaway Zebra Causes Chaos in Tennessee Before Dramatic Helicopter Rescue
Tennessee just wrapped up one of the strangest and most delightful manhunts—er, zebra -hunts—in recent…
Bill Hicks
“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”