Left-handed people are the unicorns of the human world – rare, mystical, and with a magical ability to smudge everything they write. They live in a right-handed world, facing the daily challenge of scissors that don’t cut straight and spiral notebooks designed by someone who clearly never considered the plight of the leftie. These southpaws have adapted to a world that’s not quite made for them, often becoming ambidextrous out of sheer necessity or just giving up and accepting a life of ink-smudged hands. But it’s not all bad; being left-handed comes with its perks, like always having an excuse for your quirky handwriting. And let’s not forget, it’s the perfect setup for some hilarious left-handed jokes.
Now, these left-handed jokes are a different breed. They’re not just puns about being all ‘right’ – they’re a witty celebration of the leftie life. Imagine a world where every can opener is your nemesis and you get a mini workout every time you use a pair of scissors. These jokes playfully poke fun at the daily left-handed struggles, from awkward high fives to the eternal quest for the elusive left-handed desk in a lecture hall. They’re a way to laugh about the little inconveniences and celebrate the uniqueness of being a leftie. After all, in a right-handed world, these jokes are like a secret handshake among the left-handed community.
Best Left-Handed Jokes
Why should you never argue with left-handed people?
Because they are never right.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Did you hear about the employee who made a sideshow of guessing whether you’re right or left-handed just by asking your favorite color?
He is very proud of his 90% success rate.
What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left-handed baseball player on his team?
“Allllllllllll righty then!”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Monkey Boys.
(Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Monkey Boys, who?)
What, how many Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Monkey Boys do you know?!
What pair of siblings were definitely not Southpaws?
The Wright brothers.
What’s ironic about having a left-handed pen?
It’s for righting.
Why shouldn’t you date a left-handed girl?
Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
Did you hear about the left-handed kid who was always told that he was more creative?
But all he noticed was that he smudge the words when writing with a pencil. Guess it’s a blessing and a cursive.
Why are North Koreans always left-handed?
Because they have no rights.
Did you hear about the latest research on left-handed people?
Scientists have discovered that lefties have more advantages in day-to-day life than no-handed people.
Why do left-handed people die faster?
Because they don’t do things the right way.
What do you call someone who hates left-handed people?
A right supremacist.
There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.
She thought this would be a good time to practice using her left hand. However things didn’t go well: she cut her finger on her left hand when she tried to slice up the ham and cheese; she burnt her left hand on the toastie maker when she tried to close it; and when she tried to cut her toastie into triangles, they looked more like awkward trapeziums.
The girl, looking at her catastrophic attempt at making a toastie with her left hand, let out a long, steady sigh. Her pet parrot, who spoke fluent English but didn’t understand social norms, asked her why she sighed so heavily. She replied, “My finger is bleeding, my hand is burnt, my toastie looks totally unappetizing and I forgot to get a plate for it as well”.
But she was not going to give up trying that easily.
She went to the kitchen cupboard to get one of her fancy ceramic plates. She carried on trying to use her left hand despite the state it was in. She tried her best to take the top plate from the stack without disturbing the rest, but the lack of dexterity and control in her left hand accompanied by the injuries that it had sustained before ended up in all her expensive ceramic plates toppling out of the cupboard and smashing into pieces on the floor.
The girl, looking at the state of her kitchen, let out a long, deep sigh. Her pet parrot asked her why she sighed so heavily again. She replied, “Now I have no plates to eat my toastie off of and those were very expensive plates. There’s only one potter in the area that makes plates like those and his business is slowly deteriorating; he may not even make these plates anymore.”
But she was not going to give up trying that easily.
The girl put on her coat and shoes and placed her pet parrot on her shoulder before walking to the potter’s “Extravagant Ceramics” shop. She opened the door and looked around the shop. There was nobody behind the counter or in amongst the shop aisles. She tried looking in the office, but there was no one there. She tried calling out, but there was no response. She tried looking in the adjoining warehouse with the high ceiling to no avail until the parrot pecked her cheek to draw her attention and pointed his wing upwards towards the warehouse rafters.
About 30 feet above the floor, hanging from the rafters with a rope around his neck was the old potter whose failing business had unfortunately driven him to suicide.
The girl, looking at the nightmarish sight, particularly the horrific noose around the potter’s neck, let out an extremely long, exasperated sigh, which lasted far longer than the previous two sighs combined.
The parrot asked her why this sigh was the longest yet.
The girl replied, “The longest sigh of a right-handed trying girl? It’s the high potter noose.”
What do a left-handed person and Netflix have in common?
They can’t do anything Right.
Why do left-handed people make their smileys like this (:
So they don’t get ink on their sleeve.
The latest research shows that left-handed people waste more food than right-handed people.
Otherwise, rightovers would be a word.
Why being gay is like being left-handed?
Some people are, most people aren’t, but either way they’re all going to hell.
Why do left-handed people always write incorrectly?
Their right hand has nothing left and their left hand has nothing right.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”
Did you hear about the government conspiracy to force schoolchildren to write with their left hand, thereby creating an entire generation consisting of solely left-handed people?
It was a sinister plot.
What do you call a left-handed woman with a gunshot wound in her right arm?
An ambulance.
Why are smart watches worn on the left hand?
If they were worn on the right hand guys would have had 3 times more steps than girls.
Why don’t cannibals eat left-handed people?
They don’t taste right.
Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident?
Now he’s allright, allright, allright.
What do you call a left-handed cat?
A south paw.
Do you remember that the Infinity Gauntlet was for the left hand?
Even Thanos had priorities.
A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion on a flight.
After some time, the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.
The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.
The world master insists. But the guy refuses.
The world master proposes to level the field by promising that he’ll not use his usual hand, his right hand, to play.
And would play instead using his left hand.
The dumb guy likes the proposal and begins the game.
Only to be defeated in just a few moves.
Very impressed by the world champion he goes back to his place and tells his friend about the quick defeat he’s received at the hands of the world master.
He says, “The world master was so humble that to level the field he decided to play with his left hand.”
“That even with his left hand he just took a few moves to defeat me.”
The friend says that the dumb fellow has been tricked.
He asks how.
The friend says, “The world master is a lefty.”
Why are lefties so close-minded?
Because when they look in a mirror, everything they do is right.
What would the world be like without left-handed people?
Eh, it would be all right.
Teacher: which is the best hand to use when writing something, left hand or right hand?
Pupil: None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.
What do you call someone left-handed writing?
Lefting.
What do you call a right-handed fighter kicking the ass of a southpaw?
Righty fighty, lefty losey.
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked… “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left-handed.” This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”.
“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand?
She uses her right hand to moan.
Why do you never have a left-handed masturbator change your tire?
He never has the right jack.
What do you call the process of curing left-handed Chinese people?
Righting the Wongs.
Do you have a funny Left Handed joke? Write down your own Left Handed puns in the comment section below!