Tallulah Bankhead
“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”
Dave Barry
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take…
Jerry Seinfeld
“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are…
Alfred Hitchcock
“Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.”
Ogden Nash
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”
Robert Benchley
“Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.”
Jack Benny
“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.”
Rod Stewart Drew Penises on Boyband McFly’s Passports — and It Backfired Hilariously
Rock legend Rod Stewart might have one of the most iconic voices in music, but…
Douglas William Jerrold
“The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon.”
I Got Paid to Be Lazy: The App That Pays You for Doing Absolutely Nothing
Let me tell you about the easiest money I’ve ever made. It is the laziest…
Malcolm de Chazal
“Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he…
Garrison Keillor
“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.”
Bob Newhart
“This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I’m not about to screw…
Jack Lemmon
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf…
J. K. Rowling
“Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps…
J. P. Morgan
“A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real…
Best Memes From The Coldplay Kiss-Cam Concert Incident
When Coldplay said “look at the stars,” this couple took it way too literally. During a…
Douglas Horton
“When all is lost, ask the I.R.S. – they’ll find something.”
Sam Levenson
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
Ambrose Bierce
“Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.”
Imelda Marcos
“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”
Dan Rather
“Never eat spinach just before going on the air.”
Will Durant
“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.”
Mary Roberts Rinehart
“I never saw a lawyer yet who would admit he was making money.”
Herbert Spencer
“A jury is composed of twelve men of average ignorance.”
Watch: Karen Jumps Into Pond to Break Up Ducks During Mating Season
Every so often, the universe tosses us a story so ridiculous it feels like a…
Frederick the Great
“A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.”
Cavett Robert
“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.”
Minna Antrim
“To know one’s self is wisdom, but not to know one’s neighbors is genius.”
Gracie Allen
“When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16…