Newfies are the unsung comedic heroes of Newfoundland! For those not in the know, “Newfie” is a colloquial term for someone hailing from the rockiest, foggiest, and most eastwardly province of Canada—Newfoundland. A place where the air is as crisp as the punchlines and the fish is so fresh, they’ll tell you jokes before you throw them on the grill. Home to breathtaking landscapes and “kissing-the-cod” ceremonies, it’s a place that’s almost as colorful as the characters who live there.
So, what’s the deal with Newfie Jokes? Think of them as the maple syrup on the Canadian comedic pancake—sweet, a little sticky, and oh-so quintessentially Canuck. These jokes poke fun at the quirky mannerisms, unique dialect, and often exaggerated rural wisdom of Newfoundlanders. Like, why did the Newfie bring a ladder to the bar? To get to the highballs, of course! But before anyone gets their long johns in a twist, remember, the best part about Newfie Jokes is that they’re often told by Newfies themselves! So, they’re less of a burn and more of a badge of honor, or as a Newfie might say, “Just a bit of a scoff before the next kitchen party!”
Best Newfie Jokes
Why are there no Pizza Pizzas in Newfoundland?
Because they can’t find 11 on the phone.
Where did Newfies come from?
A bunch of guys were playing hockey on the frozen St. Lawrence and one of them got a breakaway.
What is James Bond called in Newfoundland?
007:30.
How can you spot the Newfies in Heaven?
They’re the ones who want to go Home.
What’s black and blue and floats in the bay?
A mainlander after telling Newfie jokes.
Why did the Newfie submarine sink?
They gave it a screen door.
What do you call a silly Newfoundlander?
A goofy Newfie!
98% of Canadians say “Oh shit!” on a slippery before going into the ditch.
The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
One Newfie says to the other as they go over the railroad crossing, “I thought they cancelled t’ train running here a year ago.” [train = Newfie Bullet]
“They did,” says the other. “Why would y’ tink different?”
“Well,” says the first. “It’s still leaving tracks.”
What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off?
Net fix and chill.
A Newfie, an American, and a Canadian enter a hunting contest in which the person with the biggest piece of the game wins.
The Canadian goes into the forest and shoots a deer, the Newfie goes, “How did you do that?” the Canadian says, “I followed the tracks and shot it.” Next, the American goes out and shoots a moose, and the Newfie goes, “How did you do that?” The American says, “I followed the tracks and shot it.” Half an hour later. the group is done and is waiting for the Newfie, when he comes out of the forest all bloody and bruised, they ask him what happened, and in a huff, he says, “I followed the tracks, and tried shooting at the train, it didn’t work!”
What’s the only true way to get into Newfoundland?
Through the Labra-door.
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100-year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” said the other.
“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman. Again “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE”.
So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus the camera,” said the photographer. Yet again “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, “OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? CAN I BE FIRST???”
How can you tell if a Newfie is gay?
He eyes the b’ys.
A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast.
When a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.
“Sir, are you aware it’s not lobster season, and it’s illegal to fish lobsters?”
“Me son,” the Newfie said. “I didn’t fish ’em. Deez lobsters are me pets.”
“Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I’ll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim.”
“Well, I’s had ’em since they was babes. Trained ’em meself, I did. I can lets ’em go play, and when I calls ’em they comes right back to me.”
The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The Newfie put the lobsters on the sand and said “Go ‘n play, me b’ys”.
The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement.
“That’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it! Now call them back.”
The Newfie turned with a sly smile and said, “Call what back?”
Where are all the trees in Newfoundland?
Between the 2’s and 4’s.
A Scottish guy walks into a bar in Newfoundland.
There is a moose head hanging on the wall. The Scotsman says to the bartender, “Aye, what kind of animal is that?”
The bartender replies, “It’s a moose.”
The Scot responds, “Crivens. If that’s a moose I’d hate to see what yer rats look like!”
Which Canadian province has the most dogs in it?
Newfoundland and Labrador.
Two Newfies, Larry, and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.
Larry turns to Doug and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.”
Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Larry says. “What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Doug says, “What’s that?”
Larry says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”
“No.”
“Then you’re a fag.”
There are four seasons in Newfoundland, Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter, and Construction.
Two Newfies are robbing a house.
One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home’s owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes “Miiaaowwww” imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling “God damn it, stupid cat” and go back to bed.
A man and his pregnant wife live in a very rural part of Newfoundland in Canada. Late one night during a heavy rainstorm, his wife goes into labor. The husband sends for the doctor, who arrives and he and the husband have to hold lanterns because they have no electricity or other fancy things in that part of Newfoundland. Finally, the wife gives birth to a healthy baby boy. But almost immediately afterwards she starts having labor pains again. The husband watches with his lantern as the doctor helps the mother give birth to a healthy baby girl. But as soon as her second child is placed in her arms does the mother go back into labor again!
The father is just beside himself with shock and to the doctor he exclaims, “Holy thunderin’ Jeeziz, bye!! Do ye think the light from our lanterns is attractin’ them?!?”
Why did the Newfies get excited when they heard Quebec was separating from Canada?
Because it was only going to take an hour and a half to get to Toronto.
When he meets his accomplice downstairs, who asks him what that noise was, he said, “Dude we almost go caught, because I dropped a lamp and the guy woke up. Fortunately, I made him believe it was the cat.”
So after a few minutes, the other robber then goes upstairs to continue checking for valuables. But he knocks over a bookshelf and crashes to the ground. He panics when he hears the homeowner getting up to investigate, so he hides in the closet. The owner enters the room and yells “Who’s there?”
So the Newfie in the closet answers, “Uhh, it’s the cat!”
Why was the townie collecting burned-out light bulbs?
He needed them for his darkroom.
Two Newfies were flying a plane and were getting ready to land.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, “Alright let’s get ready to land! Follow the procedure and give me the half flaps!”
The plane continues on it’s path towards the runway. The pilot notices that the runway looks a little short and says to the co-pilot “We got ourselves a small runway! Give me 3/4 flaps and deploy the landing gear now!”
The plane continues to get closer to the runway and the pilot notices that the runway is VERY small.
The pilot, now very nervous says to the co-pilot “Holy shit this runway is small! Cut the engine and prepare for IMMEDIATE landing!”
The pilot and co-pilot cut the plane’s engine and work together and the plane comes to s screeching halt on the runway.
After catching their breath, the pilot and co-pilot look left, then right. Finally, the pilot says, “Damn, this is one small runway. Sure is wide though!”
How many townies does it take to go ice fishing?
Four–one to cut the hole and three to push the boat through.
One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn’t have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout, “Bang, bang”.
Eventually, he finished training and his unit was deployed. He still didn’t have a gun so when they went up against the Quebeckers he did the only thing he knew, he pretended he had a gun and went, “Bang, bang.” Amazingly, when he did this the Quebeckers he was aiming at would fall down. So he kept going, “Bang, bang” and was very effective as a soldier. He was a good shot.
Then, he looked up and saw a big Quebecker coming down the hill towards him. So he aimed and went, “Bang, bang”. The guy kept coming. “Bang, bang” – no effect. “Bang, bang” – no effect.
Eventually, the Qiuebecker ran right over him and continued down the hill going, “Tankity, tankity, tankity”.
What do you call it when a Newfie loses his accent?
Artificial intelligence.
There was a German, an Italian, and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die – To be shot, To be hung, and To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
The German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he was dead instantly. The Italian said “Just hang me.” With a snap of the rope, he was dead. Then the Newfie said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. The Newfie said, “Give me another one of those shots.” The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing. Finally, the warden said, “What is wrong with you?” The Newfie replied, “You guys are so stupid… I’m wearing a condom.”
How did the Newfie move to Alberta and not have to change his address?
He took the numbers on his house with him.
A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding.
Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.
They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. “Order in my court”, screams the judge. “Can someone come up and please explain what happened?”.
Jimmy speaks up, “Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate have a dance with the bride. So I get up there and I’m dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy didn’t take too kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!”
“Right in the pussy?!?” The judge cringes as he says, “That must have hurt”.
Jimmy says, “Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!”
Did you hear about the war between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland??
Apparently the Newfies were throwing grenades into nova scotia, and the nova Scotians were picking them up, pulling the pins, and throwing them back.
John sees a “Boat for sale” sign and decides to go take a look.
Behind the sign, there is only an old tractor and a beat up truck, so he goes to the door, and an old Newfie answers.
John says, “I’m interested in the boat you have for sale!”
The Newfie looks confused and says, “No bye, I ain’t got no boat for sale.”
“But,” John says, “you have a sign out by that old truck and tractor…”
“Aye,” replies the Newfie, “and dere boat for sale!”
A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub.
The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
The Newfie says, “Three pints of beer, please.”
The bartender says, “Are you waiting for someone else?”
The Newfie says, “No, this is in honor of my two friends. We all took jobs on the mainland, and before we left we agreed that whenever we went to a pub we would order three pints of beer, one for each of us, so we’d have something to remember our friendship by.”
The bartender says, “Wow, that’s pretty cool!” He pours the beers and the Newfie starts chatting up the other locals. He becomes a fixture at the pub and they all become friends.
This continues for a few months until the Newfie walks in one day and says, “Hi bartender, two pints of beer please.”
All of a sudden there’s a hush at the bar. Everyone looks concerned. The bartender pours the beers and says, “I want you to know, I’m very sorry for your loss.”
The Newfie says, “What loss?”
The bartender says, “Well, you’ve been ordering a pint for each of your friends, I’m guessing this means one of them passed away.”
The Newfie says, “Oh, no no! My friends are fine, I just quit drinking.”
Two Newfies go fishing.
So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.
The guy in the front says to his buddy, “This is a great spot, we should mark it”
So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X on the bottom of the boat.
“That ain’t gonna work, silly,” says the guy in the bow.
“Why not?” Asks the other guy.
The Bow guy responds, “We might not get the same boat next time!”
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, “That’s a karate chop from Korea.”
Well, the Newfie gets back on his bar stool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. “That’s a judo chop from Japan”, he says.
The Newfie decides he’s had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, “When he wakes up, tell him that was a frickin’ crowbar from Canadian Tire.”
Old Jarge is watching Hockey on TV when his wife interrupts, “Jarge, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?”
He angrily looks at her and says, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!” “Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right.” “Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!” “Ok”, she says, “then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break.” “I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps,” he says. “Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!”
After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notices the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sees the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?” She replies, “Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him.” He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?” She replied, “Hello…Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander, and a Newfie who were running from the cops.
So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there’s something suspicious so they kick the first bag. The Nova Scotian’s in there and he says “Meow!” and the cops think ‘Oh, it’s just an alley cat,’ and keep on going. They kick the next bag and the Prince Edward Islander in there says “Woof!” so they think ‘Oh, it’s just a stray dog.’ So then they kick the bag with the Newfie in it and he says “PO-TA-TO!”
A Newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Clem took one look and said, “Nope, ain’t Clyde.”
Just to be safe the mortician brought in Zeke and Zeke took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Clyde.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?
Zeke said, “Well, Clyde had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say ‘Here comes Clyde with them two assholes.’ “
A woman from Mount Pearl went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”
A Newfie goes into a whore house. A beautiful woman comes up to him and says, “What will it be?”
Newf says, “I don’t know mam, it be my first time in a place like this. What do you recommend?”
The woman says “Well there is your old fashioned, your BJ, rimmers, 69ing, what ever you heart desires!”
Newf says, “Oh, I have never heard of a 69 before but I’d like to try one of them!” The beautiful woman grabs the newfie by the hand and takes him to the master suite. She mounts him and sticks her snatch right into his face. Things are getting pretty intense and the woman is getting into it. Suddenly the newf feels a small queef hit him in the face. He shakes it off as if it never happened. The newf continues to go to town for another minute and again the beautiful woman queefs on him. The beautiful woman doesn’t even notice since things are so heated.
Then the woman stops and asks, “Are you enjoying your first time 69ing?”
Newf replies, “Oh boy am I ever mam, but I’m not sure if I can handle 67 more!”
A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “a state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The Newfie explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Newfie taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast!”
A woman from Bell Island was on the way to winning $100,000 on an American game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.
Her husband an old fisherman sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife, “ Mary Your question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy’, and the answer is ‘The head, heart and penis.’
Mary thinks about this throughout the night but keeps forgetting the answer.
Her husband keeps reminding her, “The head, heart, and penis. ”For the love of Jesus, Mary don’t forget it.
Time for the game show and she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, “For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.”
“Um… the head.”
“Good. Eight seconds.”
“Um… the heart.”
“That’s right, five seconds.”
“Oh… um… damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning.”
“That’s close enough! You’ve won $100,000!”
A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
“A’right! The perfect opportunity!” cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.
Smiling, the Scotsman smoothed out his kilt and turned to the Newfie. “Go on,” he said, “It’s your turn.”
“Okay!” said the Newfie, and stuck his head in the fence.
Two Newfie brothers are looking for a job.
The first brother walks in and the recruiter asks “What do you do?” The Newfie replied, “I’m a diesel fitter” and the recruiter said, “Excellent, we can put you to work straight away in the oil fields.” Excited, he goes and tells his brother he has a job. His brother walks in and the recruiter asks him the same question, to which the Newfie replies, “I makes women’s panties” and the recruiter said, “Excuse me?” Newfie says, “Yes by, I makes women’s panties, and they’re right good sure!” The recruiter, confused, looked at the Newfie and said “I can’t give you a job making panties!” Pissed off, the Newfie says “What? How come? You gave my brother a job!”
“Yes, but your brother is a diesel fitter!”
“My son, you got it all wrong. I makes the panties, and me Brudder puts em on his head and says Yes by! Diesel fitter!!!”
A Canadian Army NCO was about to start the morning briefing to all of his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was ‘work’, and how much of it was pure ‘pleasure’?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favor of ‘work’.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%. A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favor of ‘pleasure’, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C..O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir.” The N.C.O.. a little surprised and as you might guess, said “And why is that soldier”?
“Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir”.
The room fell silent. God Bless the Newfie.
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty dollars,” she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’s makin’ love to me wife!” Perry answered, annoyed.
“Oh! I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”
“Well, neidder did I, ’til ya shined that light in ‘er face!”
Why Newfoundland did not Join the Iraq War?
Here are some good reasons Newfoundland did not join da’ Iraq war by’s..
Tenth, we fellers got no ways of gettin’ over der’, unless we had a yammy dat’ traveled on water!
Nine, too busy hunting turrs and tailin’ slips to catch rabbits.
Eight, dim Iraqis don’t like Canadian by’s.
Seven, did ya know Saddam’s name turned around is “Mad Ass”. Dat’s funny!
Six, no moose to shoot over der’.
Five, no Newfie music over der’ on da’ radio… and no Newfie jokes!!
Four, me troutin’ license is no good over der.
Three, hockey Night in Canada is in Iraqi language.
Two, we needs our army right here in case of another snow storm.
One, we all has to go in da’ woods to cut wood fer next winter.
How do you get a one-handed Newfie out of a tree?
Wave at him.
Do you have a funny Newfie joke? Write down your own Newfie puns in the comment section below!